this post was published. deleted. and re-published as a track of my last week.
maybe it can still be of some use to you. what bizarre hope.
at least it contains some sort of great truthfulness.
and yes, i'm a good girl and taking the right pills.
i guess sometimes the time in between certain happenings seems to us so long that we fail to see the connection between them.
or this could as well be just a generalization i make to justify my again-and-again forgetting of "all happens in the right time".
see, i have had that message with me for.. long long months. and it's only tonight that i opened it and soaked it up. the point is, i had not done so all the time ago. or a couple of months ago. there are those things which you only get when you're scarily close to the too-late of getting them at all.
long-live-the-hippies: "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone"
well, maybe a month ago i could as well get the essence of the message and maybe even prevent a lot of consequences that followed as i had not got it yet. we'll never know. but i'm sure that tonight was the perfect timing. and i tend not to go the easiest way in the name of having that perfect timing (or being or feeling or whatever) at some point. yes, i do think it's worth it.
i have had big times lately. so big, that eventually it made me stop. stop for real. and stop EVERYTHING. i mean.. how wrong must i have had gone to rejoice from playing dead. from cutting off totally. and i'm telling you.. nothing has felt this right in a long time. my phone switched off. the laptop's gone in the corner. my playlist is limited to a maximum of some picked-out songs a day that i allow myself to listen to. yes, i have caused some trouble with all this, but the disappointment of some people, i've let down in a way... is simply again... worth it.
it takes time to get into an agreement with the local master named yourself. and i'm taking the time. right now. if you only knew, what all ugly and overpainted parts come up to show and to pinch you saying: it does not have to be like this. like.. the very basics.
indeed, i had the unique experience some weeks ago to learn to breathe, to walk, to see. again. as from the beginning, only this time it all happened really fast. all of this - quite literally.
only some days ago i realized, i had also forgotten how to actually read. and write. play and sing. all that kind of things.
somewhat the good old joke of "as no one was listening/looking/there".
even if mostly there really is no one listening/looking/there.
now, for your healthy point of view this all might be evident and duh! and i told you already ten thousand times... nope. you probably won't see it yourself until you get here/there. to some kind of THE point where earth and yourself are changing faces. it will surely be some other way and the place itself will differ. but it's gonna be THE point. you'll know when you're there. maybe you've just been there. maybe you just don't need it at all.
last months this web-place has been a mess. just as myself.
curious, what's coming next.
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a well pathetic part, but i feel like not leaving it out. huge thanks go to:
mad. for joni mitchell's big yellow taxi, for rob bell and caring about. g for telling me that "life is fair". agn par to, ka esi ķipars-mamma. indr - being never there and always present & giving me a sense of future (summertime '10). valcīc par lasīšanu. zaļš mārs par nerimstošu piemīlību. rasai par milzīgu pacietību. vitai prado par nejaušu kopīgu pastaigu. mai par būšanu. pastor/professor juris cālītis for being awesome. aņai par blogu un patiesīgumu. pūč par kūkām 6 gadu garumā. marco for an exemplary optimism that, even if covering the opposite, still amazes me. mr. k par manis nerimtīgu izmantošanu. ali pour grandir ensemble. my grandpa for being the good man and the measure of my worldview. my family for constantly being a very challenging playground. life. in all it is.
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