make mummy proud.

When observing (small) kids, it's quite visible how they check for the reaction of the others, especially their parents. Whatever good or bad they would do, they will look for praise or punishment.. they will look for attention. And mostly they will get it.

What happens when we grow up? First the kids and teenagers around us, then some authorities we've picked out from the crowd. Still the family because that's where we come from. Our girl/boyfriends. Friends. Society.

It's kind of romantic to be living only for your own sake, but no one of us does. The humankind is a social creature. We need each other and we need praise, punishment and attention. And sometimes.. when your dearest friends are far away, your heart showing the -alone- sign and you have grown out from or never fitted in the family.. When authorities are vague and the society somehow fucked up... What's your point of reference then? Who do you measure yourself up to? About whose opinion do you care, what do you fear? Do you then learn to be self-sufficient? Can you be self-sufficient?

I guess I have tried to be so. And I failed gorgeously.
Truth is.. my mom doesn't really know what I do in life. Yet we now live in the same flat again. No one in my family knows. Partly the friends. Some friends. Do I know what I am doing in life? I'm not sure. I mean.. where am I going? Why? And to whom am I coming home to? Is there a "home" for me? Ah, I shouldn't have started this. (:

In short: the people around you, the ones you hold on to, the ones you choose and the ones who have chosen you... hold them by all means. They very often define who you are and where you're heading to, without that you even notice and without them trying to do so. Rejoice in humanity and.. make them proud. Make yourself proud. Be at peace.
And do tell your mom about what's going on in your life. You'll want your kids to do so.

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my dad and youngest bro', August '09